Christmas Kenopsia

How many times have you seen this in holiday movies: The main character ends up alone in an office building; everyone else, except maybe a janitor, is gone for Christmas vacation. Carols echo in the background as the character walks through the stark, empty space.

This happens to me a lot. It sounds lonely… and it is. The Christmas decorations seem dark and frozen in time. It is a melancholy feeling. On the other hand there is something about it that appeals to me. Maybe because it feels like the perfect time for reflection. It is a quiet moment just for me. And at Christmas, quiet is important.

Quiet has an attribute during the Christmas season it doesn't have the rest of the year. Being alone in the office, I take a few minutes and look out into the empty atrium. A saxophone carol echoes in the background.

Because of those quiet times I find myself in a different emotional place than the rest of my family. I've wondered if maybe I seem distant and not really engaged when family is gathered for the holidays. That’s just the way I am and I will probably always be so.

You cannot experience the essence of the season when there’s restlessness and turmoil inside your head. Christmas cards say “peace” for a reason. The angels sang “peace and goodwill toward men” for a reason. We sing “Silent Night” for a reason.

Loud Boisterous Christmas brings another kind of melancholy. For example, this morning Main Street staff had their party, just on the other side of my cube. People laughed and ate breakfast casserole. Why melancholy? I felt like invisible Ebenezer Scrooge looking in at Fezziwig’s party. Should the party stop and everyone be melancholy and contemplative like me? No, not at all. People need to be happy and a party only emphasizes the contrast I feel.

This afternoon- after I watch the office party from the outside, after I walk through an empty building with Christmas music in the background- I will go home in the biting wind and light snow flurry. I’ll open my door and step into my small warm home. Inside my wife and kids will be getting ready for Christmas. It is the Hallmark fantasy that many people dream of but many do not have. But God-willing that will be my life tonight; … and because of it I am the luckiest man in the world.